A nap. For an hour or two. It's past 5pm. The plan is to stay up late and create. I hope I'm not depleted again. Hot baths do this to me. I can hear the screams of inadequacy- stop wasting time and work. Get a job. Applications have revealed nothing. 22 years of experience, an a.i. system of stupidity and human ugliness does not want someone who is better than them. But, am I better than them? I'm a paradox. A good and loyal mercenary for my gold, but not to anyone else for the most part. I feel no pride in myself. As if it is a wasted effort. Negative. A coward is what I could easily be called by others. I wish I could stop caring. Liberation cannot exist in life. If it does- it would be a fleeting moment. I have worked out intensely for the third day in a row, except my cardio was 10 minutes as oppose to one hour thirty minutes. Carbless still however. I indulged in a bottle of cheap, red wine last night and one cherry flavored Cheyenne Cigar. That brand, is what my mom smoked when she was alive. This dream of life is blurry. Carl Jung claims I am near a silent breakthrough, but I don't know it. Maybe go forward still. What is it that I fear? I have been alone before, but never without home, nor without shelter or hot bath. Perhaps my biggest fear is that I would not change even in success. That I would not be able to enjoy peace. That something- some noise, some annoyance or stupidity or ill-wrought person would arise. Oh, what a delight to to punish them. Then, what do I become? In their pain or healing, I still suffer. Maybe this is my prison- an entire world as a mirror to show me what I was. I continue forward, in a paradox of pretending to not chase or care- as I ask for commission work online. Money. If I do not- nothing attracts or comes from thin air into a bank account. Even these small moments of reflection and peace, dark but mine alone- may come to an end.. and these false light words would live beyond my corpse.
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